When Death Takes a Loved One
Whether death comes after a long illness or suddenly without warning, we are never ready to let our loved one go. The one we loved, the one who made life rich and full is gone, and his/her absence hurts.

What follows death is a period of grieving often referred to as a "time of bereavement." A better term could not be found. The word bereaved comes to us from the Old English word bereft, which means "to be robbed." Death has robbed us of someone who was near and dear to us. It is altogether normal to feel all the emotions commonly felt by one who has been robbed: anger, fear, numbness, disbelief, sadness, and others.

The first few days, and sometimes weeks, the bereaved often feels like he/she is numb and walking in a fog. As upsetting as this feeling may be, when the fog and shock begins to lift and the reality of the death hits home, it can be even worse. The grieving individual is sure he/she cannot go on living without the deceased loved one.

With this realization, the Don Monti Cancer Center at Huntington Hospital has developed a Bereavement Care Program to help those who struggle with this painful process. The program has several components.

Bereavement Care Program

As death approaches, or when we learn of the death of one of our patients at home, the family can expect that the Bereavement Care Facilitator will:

• Be available to accompany the family during the dying process.
  
• Assist the family with funeral arrangements, if needed.
  
• Send a letter of condolence to the grieving family with a helpful booklet suggesting how to cope with their grief.
  
• Provide one-to-one counseling for surviving "family" members.
  
• Make home visits when necessary.
  
• Send a card from the unit staff to the family, in which personal thoughts may be conveyed.
  
• Make a phone call one month after the death to see how the surviving family is coping with their grief.
  
• Mail a letter to the family approximately three months after the death, inviting any member to an eight-week Bereavement Support Group conducted by a certified bereavement facilitator.
  
• Invite the family to attend a memorial service for the loved one.

Susan Degnan LMSW Certified Bereavement Councelor 351-2013

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. What is grief?
A. Grief is the internal response to loss, any loss. The
more intense the relationship to the deceased, the greater will be the response. The external response is called mourning. This has been defined as "grief gone public." Both the internal and external responses are essential if one is to be reconciled to the fact of the loss. In other words, you cannot keep your grief bottled up inside. It must find release.

Q. Does everyone benefit from attending a bereavement support group?
A. The simple answer is "no." But we need to say more about who will and will not respond positively to a bereavement support group. Some have said, "A support group is not for me." Yet when they tried the group, they were pleased with the experience. Some enter a group too soon after the death of their loved one and cannot continue in the group. For that reason, we ask participants to wait a minimum of three months before entering a group. In the program at Huntington Hospital, our groups run for eight consecutive weeks. We use the first three weeks to provide grief education. We ask participants to try the first three weeks before deciding to continue or drop out. The vast majority has found the experience beneficial, but some have not.

Q. Why wait three months before entering a group?
A. Grief permeates an individual, affecting them physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Physically and intellectually you know your loved one has died. Emotionally and spiritually you cannot yet accept that fact. Your head says he/she is dead, yet your heart says, "It's only a bad dream. He/she will come through the door at any moment." Three months serves to bring the head and the heart a little closer together. We have experienced individuals entering our groups as much as five years after the death and they have done well. There is no time limit.

Q. What can I do to cope in the meantime?
A. We provide private counseling for those who feel the need. We have a bereavement counselor who will see you as needed. To make an appointment, call (631) 351-2013. There is no charge for this service. The counselor is on duty from 7:00 AM to 3:00 PM each weekday. In our brochure, we have included a list of suggested books which can be helpful through the first weeks and months after the death.

Q. Do all individuals grieve the same way?
A. Definitely not. Each person and each relationship is unique. No two persons grieve in exactly the same manner. Each individual's response to grief is as unique as your fingerprints. Many cry, become angry, and are very talkative, while others do not cry, are very quiet and calm. There is only one right way to grieve correctly and that is your way.

Q. How long does this grief last?
A. There is no set time period for how long grief will, or should last. It is best not to let anyone dictate how long it will take you to work through your grief. Everyone's grief is unique and so is the time needed to work through the process. The simple answer is that it will take "as long as it takes."

Q. Does grief ever end?
A. The intense emotional pain and suffering will at some point in time ease its level of intensity. As you work at integrating your loss into your new life, the intensity eventually lessens. Our goal in conducting bereavement support groups is to help you, the griever, to reach the point where you retain all of the wonderful memories about your loved one, without the debilitating pain. You should also expect "grief bursts" at certain occasions such as: birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, songs, places, etc. They are normally short in duration.

RECOMMENDED READING:

• What Helped Me When My Loved One Died
  by Earl Grollmam
  
• Men And Grief
  by Carol Staudacher
  
• Grieving the Loss of Someone You Loved
  by Raymond R. Mitsch & Lynn Brookside
  
• Moving Beyond Grief
  by Ruth Sissom
• A Grief Observed
  by C.S. Lewis
• Widowed
  by Dr. Joyce Brothers
• Being A Widow
  by Lynn Caine
• Don't Take My Grief Away From Me
  by Doug Manning
• Letting Go With Love
  by Nancy O'Connor
• The Journey Through Grief
  by Alan D. Wolfelt Ph.D.
• Understanding Grief
  by Alan D. Wolfelt Ph.D.
• Healing Your Grief
  by Ruthann Williams
• When Pregnancy Fails
  by Susan Borg & Judith Lasker
• When Bad Things Happen To Good People
  by Harold S. Kushner
• Empty Cradle, Broken Heart
  by Deborah L. Davis