When
Death Takes a Loved One
Whether death comes after a long illness or suddenly without warning, we are
never ready to let our loved one go. The one we loved, the one who made life
rich and full is gone, and his/her absence hurts.
What follows death is a period of grieving often referred to as a "time
of bereavement." A better term could not be found. The word bereaved comes
to us from the Old English word bereft, which means "to be robbed." Death
has robbed us of someone who was near and dear to us. It is altogether normal
to feel all the emotions commonly felt by one who has been robbed: anger, fear,
numbness, disbelief, sadness, and others.
The first few days, and sometimes weeks, the bereaved often feels like he/she
is numb and walking in a fog. As upsetting as this feeling may be, when the fog
and shock begins to lift and the reality of the death hits home, it can be even
worse. The grieving individual is sure he/she cannot go on living without the
deceased loved one.
With this realization, the Don Monti Cancer
Center at Huntington Hospital has developed a Bereavement Care Program to
help those who struggle with this painful process. The program has several components.
Bereavement Care Program
As death approaches, or when we learn of the death
of one of our patients at home, the family can expect
that the Bereavement Care Facilitator will:
- Be available to accompany the family
during the dying process.
- Assist the family with funeral arrangements,
if needed.
- Send a letter of condolence to the
grieving family with a helpful booklet suggesting
how to cope with their grief.
- Provide one-to-one counseling for surviving
"family" members.
- Make home visits when necessary.
- Send a card from the unit staff to
the family, in which personal thoughts may be conveyed.
- Make a phone call one month after the
death to see how the surviving family is coping with
their grief.
- Mail a letter to the family approximately
three months after the death, inviting any member
to an eight-week Bereavement Support Group conducted
by a certified bereavement facilitator.
- Invite the family to attend a memorial
service for the loved one.
Susan Degnan LMSW Certified Bereavement
Councelor 351-2013
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. What is grief?
A. Grief is the internal response to loss, any loss.
The
more intense the relationship to the deceased, the
greater will be the response. The external response
is called mourning. This has been defined as "grief
gone public." Both the internal and external responses
are essential if one is to be reconciled to the fact
of the loss. In other words, you cannot keep your grief
bottled up inside. It must find release.
Q. Does everyone benefit from attending
a bereavement support group?
A. The simple answer is "no." But we need
to say more about who will and will not respond positively
to a bereavement support group. Some have said, "A
support group is not for me." Yet when they tried
the group, they were pleased with the experience. Some
enter a group too soon after the death of their loved
one and cannot continue in the group. For that reason,
we ask participants to wait a minimum of three months
before entering a group. In the program at Huntington
Hospital, our groups run for eight consecutive weeks.
We use the first three weeks to provide grief education.
We ask participants to try the first three weeks before
deciding to continue or drop out. The vast majority
has found the experience beneficial, but some have
not.
Q. Why wait three months before
entering a group?
A. Grief permeates an individual, affecting them physically,
mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Physically
and intellectually you know your loved one has died.
Emotionally and spiritually you cannot yet accept that
fact. Your head says he/she is dead, yet your heart
says, "It's only a bad dream. He/she will come
through the door at any moment." Three months
serves to bring the head and the heart a little closer
together. We have experienced individuals entering
our groups as much as five years after the death and
they have done well. There is no time limit.
Q. What can I do to cope in the
meantime?
A. We provide private counseling for those who feel
the need. We have a bereavement counselor who will
see you as needed. To make an appointment, call (631)
351-2013. There is no charge for this service. The
counselor is on duty from 7:00 AM to 3:00 PM each weekday.
In our brochure, we have included a list of suggested
books which can be helpful through the first weeks
and months after the death.
Q. Do all individuals grieve the
same way?
A. Definitely not. Each person and each relationship
is unique. No two persons grieve in exactly the same
manner. Each individual's response to grief is as unique
as your fingerprints. Many cry, become angry, and are
very talkative, while others do not cry, are very quiet
and calm. There is only one right way to grieve correctly
and that is your way.
Q. How long does this grief last?
A. There is no set time period for how long grief will,
or should last. It is best not to let anyone dictate
how long it will take you to work through your grief.
Everyone's grief is unique and so is the time needed
to work through the process. The simple answer is
that it will take "as long as it takes."
Q. Does grief ever end?
A. The intense emotional pain and suffering will at
some point in time ease its level of intensity. As
you work at integrating your loss into your new life,
the intensity eventually lessens. Our goal in conducting
bereavement support groups is to help you, the griever,
to reach the point where you retain all of the wonderful
memories about your loved one, without the debilitating
pain. You should also expect "grief bursts"
at certain occasions such as: birthdays, anniversaries,
weddings, songs, places, etc. They are normally short
in duration.
RECOMMENDED READING:
- What Helped Me When My Loved One Died
by Earl Grollmam
- Men And Grief
by Carol Staudacher
- Grieving the Loss of Someone You Loved
by Raymond R. Mitsch & Lynn Brookside
- Moving Beyond Grief
by Ruth Sissom
- A Grief Observed
by C.S. Lewis
- Widowed
by Dr. Joyce Brothers
- Being A Widow
by Lynn Caine
- Don't Take My Grief Away From Me
by Doug Manning
- Letting Go With Love
by Nancy O'Connor
- The Journey Through Grief
by Alan D. Wolfelt Ph.D.
- Understanding Grief
by Alan D. Wolfelt Ph.D.
- Healing Your Grief
by Ruthann Williams
- When Pregnancy Fails
by Susan Borg & Judith Lasker
- When Bad Things Happen To Good People
by Harold S. Kushner
- Empty Cradle, Broken Heart
by Deborah L. Davis
Grief
Grief
feels like a cave, an aimless groping
into a black deepening void. Into your
hand I press the only candle
I have, a message to flicker
into the darkness of your soul.
Grief feels like a cave, but it is not
a cave.
Grief is a tunnel, a journey.
The blackness is the same.
The
only difference is HOPE!
--Marilyn
Gryte

My eyes fill with tears.
What shall I do?
Where shall I go?
My body has been bitten
by the snake of "absence, "
and my life is ebbing away
with every beat of my heart.
--
Miradi

Weeping may endure for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
--Psalm
30:4
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